Some jokes collection...

Jokes.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years.

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Q - In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level of
the pond increases. How?
A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

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A railway station beggar meets another beggar.

A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.

What is the question?

"So, which platform are you working on?"

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Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

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Santa raping a gal in car.
A cop came & asked: What r u doing?
Santa: I'm raping her.
Cop: Ok, I'm next.
Santa: Fine, but I have never raped a cop before.

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Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it hat I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

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lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Man to doctor: Everynight my wife goes to Tom Bar and sleeps with anyone who asks her

Doctor: Take a deep breath and calm down... now tell me where is Tom Bar???!!!

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Interviewer: Just imagine u r in third floor, it caught fire. How will u escape?

Man: It's very simple i will stop my imagination

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A Man bought a car on loan...
He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.
Man: If I knew this,
I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

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My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out Of the Bottle.

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Smoking helps you loose weight ... One lung at a time!

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Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, it can only be transfered from one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

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A Sardar Prays Daily for 2 hours"Hey VaheGuru get me to win lottery.
After 11 yrs VaheGuru angrily appears & buy ticket at least once

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Can you tell me how old the
dinosaur bones are?

Santa replied, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know
their age so precisely?'

Santa answered, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.

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Wife: Tell me the truth! How many girls have you slept with?

Husband: Only with you love, with the others I was awake whole
night!

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Friend1: I saved half the money by going to honeymoon all by self

Friend2: I saved full money by sending my wife to honeymoon with my friend

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Teacher: Pappu, go to the map and find North America.
Pappu: Here it is

Teacher: Correct, Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Pappu

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Interviewer: What is Skeleton?
Sonu:"Sir "Skeleton is a Person who 'started'
Dieting but forgot to 'stop' it!!

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The Burnt EarsOne day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages.
He said: "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead ofpicking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear."
The man asked "So what happened to your other ear?"
He said "That same stupid guy called again

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm Central Minister of this country!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

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Philosophy of life
At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,
Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!

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Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

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Son: 'Dad, what should I write for mother tongue'?

Father: 'Very long''!

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Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge: What'll you take - 30 days or Rs 3000?
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

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Teacher: What is common between : Krishna , Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Student : All are born on Government Holidays.

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775″ he said.

"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863″ said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians, Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, " Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005